Why Couple’s Therapy May Not Be Working
Couples therapy can be such a big first step. You book the session, you show up together, and you want things to feel different. But sometimes, weeks go by and it feels like… nothing’s really changing. That can be discouraging, and you might even wonder, “Does this mean we’re doomed?”
Not necessarily. Here are some reasons couples therapy might not feel like it’s “working,” and what could help shift things.
One of You Isn’t Really In It
Therapy only moves forward if both people are actually invested. If one partner is there just to “check the box” or to avoid a fight about not going, progress can feel like pushing a boulder uphill. Change takes buy-in from both sides. A good therapist will be able to call this out if they notice there is lack of buy-in from one (or sometimes both) partners. This is why it’s SO important to be proactive versus reactive. Once one partner is already “out” or struggles with investment, it’s more difficult to reengage them. Start therapy before major conflict to set yourself up for success.
You’re Stuck in Blame Mode
It’s so easy to slip into arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong, even in session. But if therapy turns into the same old cycle- just in front of a therapist, it’s not going to move you forward. The real work is about understanding each other—not scoring points. I always tell my clients, “Seek to understand before being understood.” This is difficult to do when you have been stuck in the same dance. Defensiveness is one of the 4 horsemen of relationships, according to John Gottman. According to Gottman, if defensiveness is chronically present in a relationship, the chances of a couple splitting up significantly increases.
You’re Expecting a Quick Fix
Patterns in relationships build up over years, so it makes sense that they don’t unravel in a few sessions. Therapy can feel messy or uncomfortable before it feels better. If you’re looking for instant relief, it may feel like nothing’s happening. It may feel like one step forward and 2 steps back. When in reality, you’re laying the groundwork for bigger change. Expect months (sometimes a year or more) of consistent sessions with the same therapist before throwing in the towel. Couple’s therapy is hard work. Not everyone has what it takes to stick out the process, but the couples who do- I have witnessed transformation.
The Hard Stuff Is Being Avoided
Sometimes couples keep sessions “safe” by talking about surface-level issues. But if the deeper hurts—like broken trust, resentment, or unmet needs—never come into the room, therapy will feel shallow. It takes courage to go there, but that’s where the real work happens. We can talk about who does more dishes- and sometimes breaking down the running of a household is important! But if you stay there, you’ll be paying your therapist to act as a referee. Instead, it’s the layer beneath- feeling unappreciated, unseen, or neglected.
You’re Only Doing the Work in Session
Think of therapy like a gym: if you only lift weights once a week with a trainer and never touch them again, progress is going to be slow. The same goes for couple’s work. The real shifts happen in how you talk, have conflict, and reconnect outside the therapy office. I often give my couples homework. Those who do the homework and put the time in outside of session require less time in therapy. Therapy is like training wheels. If you get home and struggle to get out of the cycle, then that is worth a conversation in therapy!
The Fit Isn’t Right
Not every therapist- and not every approach- works for every couple. If you feel like you’re spinning your wheels, it doesn’t always mean therapy isn’t for you—it may just mean you need a different style, or someone you both connect with better. I always advise therapy clients to ask for a consultation with a therapist. Ask about their style, session structure, frequency, etc. I find that I can get a good read for someone through a 15–20-minute phone consult. Give it a few sessions before you decide they aren’t for you. It takes significantly longer for a therapist to learn the pattern of a couple. They are learning about you as individuals, as well as the dynamic you create together.
Bottom Line
If couples therapy doesn’t feel like it’s working, it doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is beyond repair. It may mean the approach needs tweaking, or that there are unspoken roadblocks in the way. Progress looks different for every couple—but with openness, effort, and the right support, things can shift. There is hope.